Three funny conversations I heard (names changed to protect the [potentially] innocent):

Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: I got caught by the train.
Teacher: Oh, off campus. Where were you?

[it turns out that he could've taken the underpass]

Student: But it wasn't there before!
Teacher: Yeah, don'tcha just hate those quantum trains? Gone one second, back the next. [All the funnier 'cuz he's *not* a physics teacher]
---------------------------------------
Teacher: Y'know, when I was a kid, I said the Pledge of Alleigance *once*, in Boy Scouts, and that was enough. Why do we have to do it every day now?

... later the same day ...

Teacher: It's really odd that kids have no rights. Unless you kill someone, in which case, if they're trying you as an adult, then you've gotta have rights, right?
[My thoughts: kill someone, get caught, don't get convicted. Lol. And he's a science teacher, not a social studies teacher. This class is amazingly productive, yet we go off on so many tangents.]
---------------------------------------
Teacher: My biggest pet peeve is when you all crowd around the door 2 minutes before the bell rings. Just don't do it.

Student: But what if the fire alarm goes off?

Teacher: Well, then, the bell is ringing, isn't it?

True story:
"411, what city and state please?"
"L.A., California."
"How do you spell that?"